Things I Discovered about Fatherhood

Since we have a new baby niece in the family, I'm taking the opportunity to share some things I've learned about fatherhood, babies and other tactics I've picked up along the way.  I've limited myself to discussing things I discovered during the first 4 weeks of Emry's life, although I may add to the list in the future.  Hopefully this list will help the new baby-daddy adjust to life with a newborn...

1. Nipples and breasts - If your wife is nursing, these words will now appear in about of 95% of your daily conversations.  Its scary how quickly you'll become comfortable discussing your wife's nipple inflammation with your family, in-laws, friends, cashiers at Babies R Us, random strangers, etc.  If you can't get comfortable with this you can at least make it equally awkward for the other person by dropping "titty" or "jugs" into the convo. 
2. Piggybacking on that thought...even more shocking is how willing other people are to ask about these things. Some people think that your life is now an open book and anything is on the table for discussion such as your finances, parenting methods, your wife's other lady parts, and (later on)your sex life.
3. Also, everyone from your parents to friends to co-workers(even this blog) has advice for you.  "We did this...we did that...you should do this...why are you doing that?!"   They all have good intentions and really are trying to help you, but not all advice is good.  When someone starts to give you bad advice, challenge your parenting methods or goes as far as correcting something you are doing, this is the best way to avoid a lengthy sermon:  1) Use the smile and nod technique while they are talking.  2) Continue your current childcare activity using your regular method.  3) When they finish speaking, follow up by sounding interested and say "I've heard a lot of people are doing that nowadays."  4) Finish by commenting on the weather.
 4. On a related note...regardless of what people might say, the only mistake you can make is not being a part of your child's life.
5. "The baby has been really fussy today." This statement is a free pass to get you out of any social obligation you don't want to attend.  Also use "I think I hear the baby crying!" to abruptly end unwanted phone calls, ward off door-to-door salesmen or quickly end virtually any other situation. 
6. The most fun you can really have with a 4 week old is to sing them to sleep.  The great thing is that they don't care what you sing, they just like to hear your voice. This is an opportunity to entertain yourself at the same time.  My favorite song to sing to Emry at 1:30am(her normal nightly snack time) was "Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock.  My other go-to song was "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers.  Except I wouldn't sing the actual lyrics to that song...I'd make up lyrics about what I did that day.  Its got a great tune and is slow paced, so you can easily ad-lib.  Well I woke up this morning...I made myself some breakfast...I ate it in the dining room...then went to work.....
7. Babies are like drunks(part 1) -  The only thing newborn infants seem to do is drink until they either pass out, get the hiccups or throw up.
8. Watching your sleeping baby and/or sleeping wife is the most satisfying thing in the world.
9. Being "on time" is a thing of the past.  You'll be at least 20 minutes late for everything no matter how early you start getting ready.
10. The first time you drive with the baby in the car you instantly become the safest driver in the world.  Consequently, every other driver seems like they're Mario Andretti.
11. If you go out for a run while your wife and newborn are asleep, you'd better be absolutely sure the baby won't wake up while you are gone - or you'll have hell to pay when you return.
12. When you first -- Darn, I think I hear Emry crying. I'll have to finish this later.
See how that works :)