Angry Birds

Before the age of cell phones, social media and the internet, there used to be a saying "The 3 quickest lines of communication are telegraph, telephone and tell-a-Maren."  By now, most of the people who read this blog have already heard the story of how I was attacked by an owl while on an early morning run last week.  I won't bother with all the details of the incident(if you haven't heard the story, contact me and I'll bring you up to speed).  Instead, I will share some helpful advice for anyone who may find themselves in the same situation. 

If you are like me, then the bulk of your knowledge of owls probably comes from 3rd grade science class and cartoons.  This is what I knew about owls prior to the attack: 

1. They live in holes in trees.
2. They usually wear glasses and graduation hats.
3. They hoot
4. They can rotate their heads like the girl from The Excorcist.
5. They are smart and typically make a living as college professors(which explains #2 above).

I figured if I would ever come face to face with an owl, it would be exactly like this commercial which aired on TV when I was a kid...

Needless to say, I was not prepared for an owl attack.  In a statistic I made up for the purpose of this post, a recent study found that 4 out of 5 people will be attacked by an owl during their lifetime.   Odds are this will happen to you or someone you love, so you need to know what to expect when you fall victim to an attack.

First you need to be mentally ready for an attack.  To give you a little insight, the following is a stream of consciousness that pierced through my head immediately after the razor sharp talons...

WTF is that burning sensation?  I've been shot! Run faster.  No blood...I'm ok!  Was that a bat?  I just got bit by a bat!  It really stings.  I need to blog about this.  Will I get rabies? What other diseases do bats carry? When was my last tetanus shot?  How do I sterilize the bite wound?  Damn...I knew I should have seen those Twilight movies.  My head freakin' hurts!

And after being told by some random dude that the culprit was actually an owl...

Thank you Lord for letting that random dude witness the attack.  Did he hear me scream like a little girl?  Oh well, at least it wasn't a bat.  What kinds of diseases do owls carry?  Is bird flu still a threat? My head still freakin' hurts!  Why did it attack me anyway?  I hope I didn't just blow my only chance at getting into Hogwarts.  Use that Hogwarts line on the blog.  That still really stings!  Just gotta get home.
 

The mental toll an owl attack has on you is subtle, but very real.  The morning after the incident, I decided to go for another run.  It was still dark outside, and I will admit that I was a little nervous.  Instead of running east from the house like I normally do, I ran west to avoid the scene of the attack.  The further I got from the house, the more paranoid I was of every little sound I heard.  I thought about the Alfred Hitchcock film The Birds.  When I first watched The Birds during my Film Literature class in high school, I didn't get what was scary about it.  But on the morning following the attack, I fully appreciated Hitchcock's mastery of taking an innocent everyday event, like taking a shower or seeing a flock of birds, and turning it into a terrifying experience. 

The Lord has a sense of humor sometimes.  When I got about a mile away from the house I was so anxious about being attacked again, I almost turned around to go back home.  I don't usually run the path that I was on that morning, and instead of going home I decided to turn the corner and saw this...

Please excuse the low quality photo.  I was obviously running
at the time, it was dark, it was a cell phone camera, blah blah... 

Seeing that big owl on the Hooters sign made me laugh, and I was finally able to relax and enjoy the run.  Had I not been pulled in that direction, I may have turned around and missed out on a great run. 

Now that you know what to expect from the mental aspect of an owl attack, you must also prepare yourself physically.  I had every intention of researching how to prevent future attacks and what you should do if you are attacked.  However, I got so many wonderful suggestions from my friends and family, that research seemed useless.  Here is what I've been told...

• Wear a bike helmet when you run.
• Punch the owl in the face if it attacks.
• Carry an umbrella to poke at it.
• Wear a red hat because owls don't like red.
• Run faster than they can fly.
• Run later in the day when there's light outside.
• Don't run at all.  Terrible Idea

Hopefully I've provided enough information and insight from my experience to prepare you for the next time you go out for a run.  If anyone has more suggestions about how to ward off unwanted bird attacks, please leave a comment!